911 - A Modern Fairy Tale
By Douglas Herman
Once upon a time in America, the land of opportunity, a group of foreign guys at a Florida strip club said: "Let's get Korans and boxcutters and hijack airplanes and crash them into skyscrapers."
And so they did.
They bought flight manuals and lapdances, Korans and double martinis. They took flight lessons and bad photos. But most of all they flew badly and partied and flunked flight school.
"But how will we deceive NORAD," said one flunky? "And how will we get past airport security," asked another? "And how many millions should we invest in Put Options," said a third?
They discovered that NORAD and the Pentagon would be having some military exercises on the exact same day they chose for their mission. Although several top US officials knew in advance not to fly that day, nobody warned any average citizen.
Next the G-string jihadists outwitted the FBI. They outfoxed the Bureau's top officials by brilliantly exposing their plans to FBI field agents months in advance. The plotters seemed to know that the FBI head honchos would never believe their most patriotic field agents. Instead they would harass these agents long after the plot unfolded.
Next the 19 outlined their plan. "We'll get past Israeli security at Logan airport in Boston by posing as Arab terrorists. We won't even check in or show proper credentials. We'll just go right on through, like ghosts."
And so they did.
But one BIG problem vexed them greatly. How exactly would steel skyscrapers, seven of them, fall down once two aluminum airplanes hit them? So they went bowling and decided that the two airplanes would be like the bowling ball and the WTC buildings would be like the pins.
Still they wondered: How to make these massive towers, built with an enormous inner core to withstand 180 mph hurricanes, engineered to survive the impact of a jumbo jet, actually fall down?
So the 19 flight school dropouts put their minds together and thought and thought. The Newtonian laws of gravity and physics, and the long history of burning steel skyscrapers (None had ever fallen down before--or since) seemed to be against them.
"What if we make the Twin Towers pancake down," said one flunky, with a face full of buttermilk hotcake? The plotters were all eating a pre-dawn breakfast special with their bleary-eyed lapdancers. A group of Iraqi undercover agents, Saddam's finest, had joined them, savoring a short stack of blueberry pancakes. And so the laws of physics and logic waffled that day.
"We can also knock down the CIA headquarters in New York City, demolish the mayor's command post, and wreck the SEC records building while we're at it, crushing the entire building while smacking the structure with a few objects the size of an I-beam" said one bright plotter, remembering his Put Options.
And so they did.
The mighty Pentagon was next to fall. A fortress guarded by many layers of security, the trillion dollar war toy shopping mall seemed impregnable. But not to the 19 G-string jihadists.
They had discovered, by trial and error, that it was mush easier to fly a hijacked jumbo jet with screaming passengers than to control a small Cessna with a calm instructor beside them. The flew those jumbo jets like Blue Angels--except better--pulling ten G's before leveling off and smacking the Pentagon exactly where it had been recently remodeled.
But unfortunately for the G-string jihadists, the Pentagon bigwigs knew months in advance. The Pentagonals even published a report with a hijacked plane exactly in the center. They knew no hijacker could ever score a bull's eye---and they were right.
The flight school dropouts only hit the edge.
But by outflanking, outfighting, and outthinking the combined resources of the Pentagon, CIA, NSA and FBI,, the flight school dropouts had succeeded. Sure, they never received their certification in small planes but they had outfoxed NORAD, Israeli security and the combined resources of the US Air Force in the airspace over America.
And even more amazing: the 19 stripclub aficionados had engineered their own deaths to look like deaths. Nearly half of them were still alive the next day.
Call it a modern mission impossible. 19 flight school dropouts who couldn't control a Cessna had destroyed seven heavily-insured steel skyscrapers and the recently remodeled wing of the Pentagon, while outwitting airport security, smashing CIA and SEC headquarters in a 47-story New York skyscraper they hadn't even hit, while devising a brand new scientific "pancake" theory. All while remaining alive and forcing the entire US population to live in terror, utterly taxed for the unforeseeable future, to pay for the trillions in new war toys and security measures, in a fruitless manhunt to find the alleged mastermind.
In conclusion, the 19 boxcutter boyz were either the Ultimate Fighting Champions, or the the above account remains a modern fairy tale, fabricated by the very same people who placed those Put Options and demolition charges and continue to profit today.
USAF veteran and amateur historian, Douglas Herman is the controversial author of The Guns of Dallas.